Election Year Jokes:
No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." --Jay Leno
"Of course, this has hurt Hillary's claim that she's the candidate with the most experience. Like, when Hillary said she went to 80 countries, turns out she only wanted to go to one country, but she had booked it through Priceline.com." --Jay Leno
"It's getting nasty. Hillary and Barack really going at it. They're insulting each other, trading barbs, attacking each other's credibility. In fact, the only break they take from attacking each other is when they promise the American people, if elected, they can unite the country." --Jay Leno
"Here is exciting news for the Spring in New York City. Ringling Brothers Circus is at Madison Square Garden. It's a tremendous show if you folks haven't been there. They have a female contortionist who is so good that Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink." --David Letterman
The new governor of New York is having an interesting week. David Paterson, who is legally blind, decided to air all his dirty laundry immediately, and it turns out there's a lot of it. First, he and his wife admitted to having numerous affairs. They even held a press conference last week to do it, and then last night, he talked about a history of drug use. ... One good thing about this whole Eliot Spitzer mess is, we finally found out why New York is the city that never sleeps -- everyone's too busy having sex with each other there." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus." --David Letterman
"You sure can tell that it's spring because Governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a foursome with Ben and Jerry." --David Letterman
"She now admits there were no snipers, yeah. And today, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.'" --Jay Leno
"No, Barack Obama will appear on 'The View' this Friday. Right, he thought his pastor was loud and opinionated. Oh, God. Wait 'til Joy gets hold of him." --Jay Leno
Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman
Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno
"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel
Jon Stewart & Hillary Clinton: "This election is about judgment. Tomorrow is perhaps one of the most important days of your life, and yet you have chosen to spend the night before talking to me. Senator, as a host I'm delighted. As a citizen, frightened." Hillary Clinton, in response: "It is pretty pathetic"
College Administrator and Educators Define Kissing
Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Hooked On Phonics Joke
Jake is five and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"Deep breath... "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!
It says so on the picture!"and so it does..." A f r i c a n Elephant "
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"Deep breath... "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!
It says so on the picture!"and so it does..." A f r i c a n Elephant "
Another good blonde joke -rates a 9 of 10
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."
Fathers Can Relate
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression."Dad," the boy said, "if the tiger gets out of his cage and eats you up ...""Yes, son?" the father said expectantly."What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
Environmentalist with Penguins ? nahh
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Letterman, Kimmel, Conan and Paris Hilton
"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was
held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The
runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien
"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself.
That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out
to the water park to catch E. coli." -Dave Letterman
held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The
runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien
"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself.
That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out
to the water park to catch E. coli." -Dave Letterman
Little Johnny At It Again
One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!" "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered. "Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!". The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Good for a laugh jokey joke
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "How about a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Sure," replies the bartender, "that'll be four cents." "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Puzzle Pundits
Two men were sitting at a bar one day. They ordered their drinks and sat at the bar for a while. Suddenly, they both stood up, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" The bartender was pretty confused but just decided to ignore them.About five or ten minutes later, they both stood up again, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" Again the bartender just decided to ignore them.Ten minutes later they followed the same routine. By now the bartender was getting pretty annoyed, so he went over and asked, "Why do you guys keep standing up and yelling fifty-five?"One of them said, "Well, today after work we decided to work on a puzzle. On the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years, but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"
A good joke about dogs and firefighters
If 'H2O' is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
'K9P'
'K9P'
Signs You Are Getting TOO OLD to DRIVE
Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive...
You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until
you hear a crunch.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You use cruise control at 25 mph.
You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying
glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find
out you're sober.
You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until
you hear a crunch.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You use cruise control at 25 mph.
You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying
glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find
out you're sober.
Blonde with a thought - blonde jokes again
A blonde on a train was reading a newspaper article
about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did
you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did
you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
Ch Ch Ch CH CHanges
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."
Oh The Pub Was Laughing
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Leno, Letterman and Conan Latest Greatest
"Well, John Kerry, poor John Kerry – they had a survey, they had a poll testing the likeability of Democratic candidates and John Kerry, in this poll about likeability, finished dead last. Dead last, and you know, guys like this take this stuff seriously. I mean, he was very, very upset. He’s been walking around all day with a long face.”
"How about that Kim Jong-Il? Does he give you the creeps? If you think he's nuts, what about this brother, Menta Li-Il? I've told that joke a thousand times, I still love it. Well, anyway, the United States now – listen to this – has banned the sale of I-Pods to North Korea. And you thought President Bush didn't have a plan."
David Letterman
Hey what’s the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Joel? Billy Joel will be playing at the Super Bowl.
SINCE SHE DUMPED HER HUSBAND, BRITNEY HAS BEEN HANGING OUT WITH PARIS HILTON. IS THAT REALLY A STEP UP FOR BRITNEY – PARIS HILTON? PARIS IS KIND OF AN AIRHEAD WITH NO JOB WHO PARTIES ALL THE TIME AND RECORDED A C.D. NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO. SHE’S LIKE KEVIN FEDERLINE II.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is in trouble after giving the finger to fans after Sunday’s game. The Browns quarterback tried doing the same thing but no one was in the stands.
Elton John had to go backstage for five minutes and throw up during a concert the other night. He then came back and finished the concert. You know what this means? Elton is pregnant.
Jsy Leno
President Bush’s Presidential Library is going to cost $500 million. That’s $100 million per book
Conan OBrien
"How about that Kim Jong-Il? Does he give you the creeps? If you think he's nuts, what about this brother, Menta Li-Il? I've told that joke a thousand times, I still love it. Well, anyway, the United States now – listen to this – has banned the sale of I-Pods to North Korea. And you thought President Bush didn't have a plan."
David Letterman
Hey what’s the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Joel? Billy Joel will be playing at the Super Bowl.
SINCE SHE DUMPED HER HUSBAND, BRITNEY HAS BEEN HANGING OUT WITH PARIS HILTON. IS THAT REALLY A STEP UP FOR BRITNEY – PARIS HILTON? PARIS IS KIND OF AN AIRHEAD WITH NO JOB WHO PARTIES ALL THE TIME AND RECORDED A C.D. NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO. SHE’S LIKE KEVIN FEDERLINE II.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is in trouble after giving the finger to fans after Sunday’s game. The Browns quarterback tried doing the same thing but no one was in the stands.
Elton John had to go backstage for five minutes and throw up during a concert the other night. He then came back and finished the concert. You know what this means? Elton is pregnant.
Jsy Leno
President Bush’s Presidential Library is going to cost $500 million. That’s $100 million per book
Conan OBrien
the prostitute joke
Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her. Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200." The prostitute responded: "You're so kind." Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100, but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind." More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200. The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am from there too." The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."
Virginians Only Politically Incorrect Joke On Lidle - Webb - Allen
Cory Lidle Politically Incorrect JOKE for Virginians watching the senatorial race.
George Allen said "you can blame the tragedy in New York with Yankees Pitcher Cory Lidle on his liberal freinds, Jim Webb, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and John Kerry.
(virginians I think might get that ...it's in every ad and was mentioned three times in the debate the other night)
George Allen said "you can blame the tragedy in New York with Yankees Pitcher Cory Lidle on his liberal freinds, Jim Webb, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and John Kerry.
(virginians I think might get that ...it's in every ad and was mentioned three times in the debate the other night)
Cory Lidle - Politically Incorrect Jokes
Cory Lidle won't be the spokesman for Life Comes At You Fast
Investigators ruled out suicide because it was improbable that a Yankees Pitcher could actually hit a target.
Yet another thing for Yankees to blame on A-Rod
(i did not make these up...but guilty as charged for posting them)
Investigators ruled out suicide because it was improbable that a Yankees Pitcher could actually hit a target.
Yet another thing for Yankees to blame on A-Rod
(i did not make these up...but guilty as charged for posting them)
Bush Campaign requests from who ?
"The White House claims that President Bush is getting so many requests to campaign with other Republicans that he's running out of time. Not surprisingly, the requests are all coming from Democrats." - Conan O'Brien
A spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."
"springsteen for secretary of state" robin williams
A spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."
"springsteen for secretary of state" robin williams
Best Bush Joke Of The Week
Week Ending 10/06/2006
David Letterman
Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.
David Letterman
Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.
Mark Foley Jokes
Leno on Mark Foley
Mark Foley’s attorney is now blaming Foley’s behavior on alcohol. But apparently he wasn’t too drunk to send an email
People are now wondering what to do with Foley’s seat in congress. How about they start with Lysol? Then some Bactene. After that cover it with plastic.
Conan On Mark Foley
The latest on the Washington sex scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley – according to CNN Foley’s instant messages were not only inappropriate, but also were full of typos. In Foley’s defense, he said it was hard to type with one hand.
As Always the best comes from Letterman
Mark Foley is now in rehab. He says that once he gets out he wants to turn over a new "page
Mark Foley’s attorney is now blaming Foley’s behavior on alcohol. But apparently he wasn’t too drunk to send an email
People are now wondering what to do with Foley’s seat in congress. How about they start with Lysol? Then some Bactene. After that cover it with plastic.
Conan On Mark Foley
The latest on the Washington sex scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley – according to CNN Foley’s instant messages were not only inappropriate, but also were full of typos. In Foley’s defense, he said it was hard to type with one hand.
As Always the best comes from Letterman
Mark Foley is now in rehab. He says that once he gets out he wants to turn over a new "page
ABC's of getting old
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed
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