"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
*******
"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"
"Not by anyone I know of."
*******
Being a husband is like any other job . . .
It helps a lot if you like the boss.
*******
The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently
as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Baby Planes Joke
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats,
why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me
that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and
she can explain that to you."
from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats,
why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me
that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and
she can explain that to you."
Pirates Of The Carribean Pirates Favorite Movies
With Disney's Pirates doing boffo at the box office ..came across this list in my email.
The Favorite Movies of Pirates
Raiders of the Lost Arrrrrrk
Arrrrmageddon
Eyepatch Adams
Wench Kiss
The 40-Year-Old Bourbon
50 First Mates
Peggy Leg Got Married
The Favorite Movies of Pirates
Raiders of the Lost Arrrrrrk
Arrrrmageddon
Eyepatch Adams
Wench Kiss
The 40-Year-Old Bourbon
50 First Mates
Peggy Leg Got Married
Some Funny This & That
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
Rush Limbaugh Jokes Late Night Style
Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot
"Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it's going well. It's interesting, one minute you're Rush Limbaugh, great conservative radio talk show host, and the next day you're standing in line with other patients waiting for Darryl Strawberry's autograph." —David Letterman
"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey
Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He's 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit... He's probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan." --Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn
"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?" —Jay Leno
"Pretty ironic, that the only Republican with a prescription drug plan is Rush Limbaugh. Actually today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out a way to blame it on the Clintons." —Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh is a drug freak. Apparently, he was able to lose the 'big fat' part but not the 'idiot' part." —Jon Stewart
"Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it's going well. It's interesting, one minute you're Rush Limbaugh, great conservative radio talk show host, and the next day you're standing in line with other patients waiting for Darryl Strawberry's autograph." —David Letterman
"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey
Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He's 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit... He's probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan." --Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn
"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?" —Jay Leno
"Pretty ironic, that the only Republican with a prescription drug plan is Rush Limbaugh. Actually today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out a way to blame it on the Clintons." —Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh is a drug freak. Apparently, he was able to lose the 'big fat' part but not the 'idiot' part." —Jon Stewart
Recent Late Night Quips and funnies
**"President Bush gave his weekly, regular radio address on Saturday and the theme was pro-marriage. And then right afterwards, Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman
"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman
"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security ... announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. ... Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. ... So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. ... Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart
"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman
"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman
"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security ... announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. ... Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. ... So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. ... Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart
"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno
If Only You Had Looked
If Only You Had Looked
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email and IM. All on demand. Always Free.
Larry The Cable Guy Quotable
Git-R-Done.
- That made me madder than a legless Ethiopian watchin' a doughnut roll down a hill.
- Lord, I apologize for that one there, and please be with all the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea! Amen!
- I don't care who you are that's funny right there. If you dont think that's funny you can get the hell out of here.
- What the hell is this, Russia?
- That's Right.
- Do you believe that?
- My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley."
- I believe the crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools.
- How'd you get tickets to the Tampon 400?
- Well, I pulled some strings...
- Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something! Why do you hate us?
- Remember when she had Tom Selleck on her program a while back? She blind-sided Tom Selleck! He's a good fella, ain't never hurt nobody, but he's in the NRA, so she hates that. She was like, 'Well, you're in the NRA. Let me tell you something, Tom: guns kill people!' Do you believe she said that? On the Rosie O'Fat*ss show! She looks right at him and says, 'Guns kill people!' Let me tell you something: husbands that come home early kill people! Alright? The gun was just sitting there! If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil! Git-r-done!
- I once knew a gal named Vivian Welkner and she was a good friend and I thought she needed to know, well, I love her.
- I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park! (from the film Cars)
- You don't always have to know where you are going, if you know where you've been. (from the film Cars)
- I believe that Britney Spears should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors. Two scoops! (from "Rides Again")
Paul McCartney Divoce Funny Beatles Lyrics
Paul McCartney and his wife of four years have separated.
The Beatles
The Top 30 Beatles Lyrics About Divorce
30> My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will come down upon your head.
My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will make you wish that your were dead.
29> And I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love.
Can't buy me lo--
Wait! What the hell am I saying?!?
28> You'd better give me your money,
Or I'll serve you some legal papers.
And when we're finished with negotiations,
You'll be broke, clown.
27> All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup, yup.
A pre-nup's all you need.
26> Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're after half my cash.
And maybe I'm afraid you'll probably get it.
25> Why don't we do it in the road?
Can you say, "Irreconcilable differences"?
24> Hey, dude, don't be a mouse --
Raise an objection about her blouse.
The minute the judge gets sight of those tits,
He'll lose his wits -- and me, my house.
23> Happiness is a warm gun -- and much more satisfying than a
court-ordered division of property.
22> Dear Sir or Madam, will you take my case
I used to love him now I can't stand his face.
Bathes on occasion, maybe once a year,
Man, I hate the slob, so I'm looking for a good divorce lawyer.
21> Yesterday, alimony seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though I'll pay and pay.
Where's my pre-nup from yesterday?
20> I have to admit it's getting bitter.
It's getting bitterer all the time.
19> I saw a lawyer today, oh boy.
Ten thousand pounds for only half an hour.
The news he offered made me sad:
"Paul, she even gets your grass."
Now I understand how John could make that Yoko Ono thing last.
18> You said, "Goodbye."
Now I say, "HELL NO!"
17> Jojo was a man who said he was a woman,
When he boinked another man.
The former Mrs. Jojo said he's got it coming
From Arskovitz & Moran.
Get back! Get back!
Get back at least 100 yards!
16> Will you depose me,
Will you just hose me,
When I'm 64?
15> Ooh, then you suddenly ditch me.
Ooh, now I've got to enrich you,
Every single day of my life.
Got to get you out of my life!
14> .deb ni ysuol saw lauP
.deb ni ysuol saw lauP
13> Busted marriage, money spent.
Got no future, just torment.
All the cash withdrawn, nowhere to go.
Lawyer's got me by the sack.
By Monday morning, jury's back.
The house belongs to her, nowhere to go.
And oh, that homeless feeling, nowhere to go.
12> Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
Since that gold-digger castrated me.
11> You say you want a dissolution, well, you know,
We both know this marriage blows.
But when it comes to retribution, well, you know,
I'll soon be paying through the nose.
10> Uniformed bailiffs appear at the door,
Coming to drag you away.
Look for the girl with your balls in her hand and she's gone.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.
Arghhhhhhh!
9> There goes old Heather, she goes sneakin' and fakin'.
She got dollar eyesight, she one bad ballbreaker.
She got lawyers crawling on their knees.
Better grab your wallet, 'cause it's gonna get squeezed.
Come together, right now, in courtroom 3.
8> Hey, you've got to hide your 401(k).
7> Golden ingots fill your eyes.
Piles await you as your prize.
Sue, little darling, don't be shy.
And I will kiss my loot goodbye.
6> Oh, my lawyer will tell you something,
I hope you'll understand.
You can keep the homes and autos...
I wanna own your band!
5> Day after day, he's over the hill.
A man with big wads of cash, but as for brains, he's got nil.
And nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool.
First he let Linda sing some backup,
Now Heather's got him by the tool.
4> I'm licking a ho when my wife walks in.
I just can't stop philandering.
Now she will go-o.
3> When my penis gets me into trouble,
Lawyer Marty comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom... for a fee.
2> I once had a wife, or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her leg, it looked so real, Norwegian steel.
Number 1 Beatles Lyric About Divorce...
1> Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for the judge to come.
Cough up all your assets, stupid bloody cheater,
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your zipper down.
I am the plaintiff. You're the defendant.
He's my attorney. OOH, OOH, YOU'RE SCREWED!
The Beatles
The Top 30 Beatles Lyrics About Divorce
30> My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will come down upon your head.
My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will make you wish that your were dead.
29> And I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love.
Can't buy me lo--
Wait! What the hell am I saying?!?
28> You'd better give me your money,
Or I'll serve you some legal papers.
And when we're finished with negotiations,
You'll be broke, clown.
27> All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup, yup.
A pre-nup's all you need.
26> Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're after half my cash.
And maybe I'm afraid you'll probably get it.
25> Why don't we do it in the road?
Can you say, "Irreconcilable differences"?
24> Hey, dude, don't be a mouse --
Raise an objection about her blouse.
The minute the judge gets sight of those tits,
He'll lose his wits -- and me, my house.
23> Happiness is a warm gun -- and much more satisfying than a
court-ordered division of property.
22> Dear Sir or Madam, will you take my case
I used to love him now I can't stand his face.
Bathes on occasion, maybe once a year,
Man, I hate the slob, so I'm looking for a good divorce lawyer.
21> Yesterday, alimony seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though I'll pay and pay.
Where's my pre-nup from yesterday?
20> I have to admit it's getting bitter.
It's getting bitterer all the time.
19> I saw a lawyer today, oh boy.
Ten thousand pounds for only half an hour.
The news he offered made me sad:
"Paul, she even gets your grass."
Now I understand how John could make that Yoko Ono thing last.
18> You said, "Goodbye."
Now I say, "HELL NO!"
17> Jojo was a man who said he was a woman,
When he boinked another man.
The former Mrs. Jojo said he's got it coming
From Arskovitz & Moran.
Get back! Get back!
Get back at least 100 yards!
16> Will you depose me,
Will you just hose me,
When I'm 64?
15> Ooh, then you suddenly ditch me.
Ooh, now I've got to enrich you,
Every single day of my life.
Got to get you out of my life!
14> .deb ni ysuol saw lauP
.deb ni ysuol saw lauP
13> Busted marriage, money spent.
Got no future, just torment.
All the cash withdrawn, nowhere to go.
Lawyer's got me by the sack.
By Monday morning, jury's back.
The house belongs to her, nowhere to go.
And oh, that homeless feeling, nowhere to go.
12> Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
Since that gold-digger castrated me.
11> You say you want a dissolution, well, you know,
We both know this marriage blows.
But when it comes to retribution, well, you know,
I'll soon be paying through the nose.
10> Uniformed bailiffs appear at the door,
Coming to drag you away.
Look for the girl with your balls in her hand and she's gone.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.
Arghhhhhhh!
9> There goes old Heather, she goes sneakin' and fakin'.
She got dollar eyesight, she one bad ballbreaker.
She got lawyers crawling on their knees.
Better grab your wallet, 'cause it's gonna get squeezed.
Come together, right now, in courtroom 3.
8> Hey, you've got to hide your 401(k).
7> Golden ingots fill your eyes.
Piles await you as your prize.
Sue, little darling, don't be shy.
And I will kiss my loot goodbye.
6> Oh, my lawyer will tell you something,
I hope you'll understand.
You can keep the homes and autos...
I wanna own your band!
5> Day after day, he's over the hill.
A man with big wads of cash, but as for brains, he's got nil.
And nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool.
First he let Linda sing some backup,
Now Heather's got him by the tool.
4> I'm licking a ho when my wife walks in.
I just can't stop philandering.
Now she will go-o.
3> When my penis gets me into trouble,
Lawyer Marty comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom... for a fee.
2> I once had a wife, or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her leg, it looked so real, Norwegian steel.
Number 1 Beatles Lyric About Divorce...
1> Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for the judge to come.
Cough up all your assets, stupid bloody cheater,
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your zipper down.
I am the plaintiff. You're the defendant.
He's my attorney. OOH, OOH, YOU'RE SCREWED!
Funny Late Night Quotes
"They found a sunken Roman city city off the coast of Egypt
that is 2,000 years old. They believe is happened during the
reign of Emperor Ray Nagin." --Jay Leno
***
"The president of Mexico , Vincente Fox has arrived in the U.S. I thought
this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's
job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman
***
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of
the United States. The vote drew protests from several im-
migrant groups and one governor of California."
--Conan O'Brien
that is 2,000 years old. They believe is happened during the
reign of Emperor Ray Nagin." --Jay Leno
***
"The president of Mexico , Vincente Fox has arrived in the U.S. I thought
this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's
job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman
***
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of
the United States. The vote drew protests from several im-
migrant groups and one governor of California."
--Conan O'Brien
More Cowbell SNL video
Saturday Night LIve
A friend of mine had not heard of this famous SNL skit about Blue Oyster Cult and More Cowbell. here is a link that someone has posted the video on their site.
http://webfeedcentral.com/2005/01/21/more-cowbell-video/
Saturday Night LIve
A friend of mine had not heard of this famous SNL skit about Blue Oyster Cult and More Cowbell. here is a link that someone has posted the video on their site.
http://webfeedcentral.com/2005/01/21/more-cowbell-video/
Saturday Night LIve
Jokes To Offend Everyone
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do Redneck drivers' education classes meet only on Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses the car.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale
Begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do Redneck drivers' education classes meet only on Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses the car.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale
Begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Iran a nuclear threat ? its a joke
Some Late Night Quips
"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman
"According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno
"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman
"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman
"According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno
"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman
john mccain told this joke
Senator John McCain really did tell this joke once ..thought of course at the time to be very tasteless:
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
Because her father is Janet Reno."
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
Because her father is Janet Reno."
George Bush Poem
This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.
Make the Pie Higher
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
Make the Pie Higher
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
mothers day specials jokes for ladies
Click Here for Good Funny Fun
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him
to the emergency room.
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him
to the emergency room.
Little Pedro
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She
heard a loud whisper.
"Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up.
"Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
Say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher
asked "Who said that?"
Pedro, "Dick Cheney 2006."
"Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She
heard a loud whisper.
"Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up.
"Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
Say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher
asked "Who said that?"
Pedro, "Dick Cheney 2006."
Adelphia Cable On Hold and others
Message from Adelphia Cable
Thank you for holding. This call may be monitored for quality purposes. Of course, if we really cared about quality we'd hire more people to answer the phone.
In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans. Jay Leno
To err is human, but screwing up things royally requires a computer.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. --Mark Twain
When a man is trying to sell you something, don't imagine that he is that polite all the time. --Edgar Watson Howe
Better by far that you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.
Flattery is all right--if you do not inhale.
Someday, hon, we'll look back on this mortgage and laugh. Thirty years from now, to be exact.
Doctor to patient: You should consider leaving the IRS. I don't get a heartbeat anymore.
I just threatened to run away, you don't have to pack my bags, mom!
Thank you for holding. This call may be monitored for quality purposes. Of course, if we really cared about quality we'd hire more people to answer the phone.
In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans. Jay Leno
To err is human, but screwing up things royally requires a computer.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. --Mark Twain
When a man is trying to sell you something, don't imagine that he is that polite all the time. --Edgar Watson Howe
Better by far that you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.
Flattery is all right--if you do not inhale.
Someday, hon, we'll look back on this mortgage and laugh. Thirty years from now, to be exact.
Doctor to patient: You should consider leaving the IRS. I don't get a heartbeat anymore.
I just threatened to run away, you don't have to pack my bags, mom!
Grocery Store Time Zones
Grocery store time zones
6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents
9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips
12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed
3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids
6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children
9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break
3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers
6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents
9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips
12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed
3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids
6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children
9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break
3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers
Gump Goes To Heaven
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve"
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to make people laugh and forget their troubles for a while. AMEN!
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve"
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to make people laugh and forget their troubles for a while. AMEN!
I Miss Bill Clinton ?
"I Miss Bill" (come on this is funny!)
Republican or Democrat!!!
It doesn't matter what party you are, this is funny.
Monologue taken from a show on Canadian TV. There
was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor
of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists
primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton:! The Dodge Drafter.
The Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one.....yet."
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of
America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men:
Larry,Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes!
Republican or Democrat!!!
It doesn't matter what party you are, this is funny.
Monologue taken from a show on Canadian TV. There
was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor
of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists
primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton:! The Dodge Drafter.
The Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one.....yet."
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of
America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men:
Larry,Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes!
Preferred Sport Survey ?
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.
Hollywood Squares
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES (REMEMBER?)
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous
and
clever; not scripted and they were never dull, as they are now.
Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you
think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them
and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous
and
clever; not scripted and they were never dull, as they are now.
Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you
think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them
and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Funny Virginia State Trooper
A young woman was pulled over in Richmond, Virginia for speeding. As the VA State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she looked at him and said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Virginia State Police Ball." He replied without missing a beat, "Ma'am Virginia State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car and drive away.
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