Rush Limbaugh Jokes Late Night Style

Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot

"Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it's going well. It's interesting, one minute you're Rush Limbaugh, great conservative radio talk show host, and the next day you're standing in line with other patients waiting for Darryl Strawberry's autograph." —David Letterman

"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey
Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He's 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit... He's probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn

"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?" —Jay Leno

"Pretty ironic, that the only Republican with a prescription drug plan is Rush Limbaugh. Actually today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out a way to blame it on the Clintons." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is a drug freak. Apparently, he was able to lose the 'big fat' part but not the 'idiot' part." —Jon Stewart

Recent Late Night Quips and funnies

**"President Bush gave his weekly, regular radio address on Saturday and the theme was pro-marriage. And then right afterwards, Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security ... announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. ... Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. ... So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. ... Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

If Only You Had Looked

If Only You Had Looked
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

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Larry The Cable Guy Quotable


  • That made me madder than a legless Ethiopian watchin' a doughnut roll down a hill.
  • Lord, I apologize for that one there, and please be with all the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea! Amen!
  • I don't care who you are that's funny right there. If you dont think that's funny you can get the hell out of here.
  • What the hell is this, Russia?
  • That's Right.
  • Do you believe that?
  • My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley."
  • I believe the crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools.
  • How'd you get tickets to the Tampon 400?
Well, I pulled some strings...
  • Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something! Why do you hate us?
  • Remember when she had Tom Selleck on her program a while back? She blind-sided Tom Selleck! He's a good fella, ain't never hurt nobody, but he's in the NRA, so she hates that. She was like, 'Well, you're in the NRA. Let me tell you something, Tom: guns kill people!' Do you believe she said that? On the Rosie O'Fat*ss show! She looks right at him and says, 'Guns kill people!' Let me tell you something: husbands that come home early kill people! Alright? The gun was just sitting there! If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil! Git-r-done!
  • I once knew a gal named Vivian Welkner and she was a good friend and I thought she needed to know, well, I love her.
  • I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park! (from the film Cars)
  • You don't always have to know where you are going, if you know where you've been. (from the film Cars)
  • I believe that Britney Spears should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors. Two scoops! (from "Rides Again")

Paul McCartney Divoce Funny Beatles Lyrics

Paul McCartney and his wife of four years have separated.

The Beatles

The Top 30 Beatles Lyrics About Divorce

30> My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will come down upon your head.
My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will make you wish that your were dead.

29> And I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love.
Can't buy me lo--
Wait! What the hell am I saying?!?

28> You'd better give me your money,
Or I'll serve you some legal papers.
And when we're finished with negotiations,
You'll be broke, clown.

27> All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup, yup.
A pre-nup's all you need.

26> Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're after half my cash.
And maybe I'm afraid you'll probably get it.

25> Why don't we do it in the road?
Can you say, "Irreconcilable differences"?

24> Hey, dude, don't be a mouse --
Raise an objection about her blouse.
The minute the judge gets sight of those tits,
He'll lose his wits -- and me, my house.

23> Happiness is a warm gun -- and much more satisfying than a
court-ordered division of property.

22> Dear Sir or Madam, will you take my case
I used to love him now I can't stand his face.
Bathes on occasion, maybe once a year,
Man, I hate the slob, so I'm looking for a good divorce lawyer.

21> Yesterday, alimony seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though I'll pay and pay.
Where's my pre-nup from yesterday?

20> I have to admit it's getting bitter.
It's getting bitterer all the time.

19> I saw a lawyer today, oh boy.
Ten thousand pounds for only half an hour.
The news he offered made me sad:
"Paul, she even gets your grass."
Now I understand how John could make that Yoko Ono thing last.

18> You said, "Goodbye."
Now I say, "HELL NO!"

17> Jojo was a man who said he was a woman,
When he boinked another man.
The former Mrs. Jojo said he's got it coming
From Arskovitz & Moran.
Get back! Get back!
Get back at least 100 yards!

16> Will you depose me,
Will you just hose me,
When I'm 64?

15> Ooh, then you suddenly ditch me.
Ooh, now I've got to enrich you,
Every single day of my life.
Got to get you out of my life!

14> .deb ni ysuol saw lauP
.deb ni ysuol saw lauP

13> Busted marriage, money spent.
Got no future, just torment.
All the cash withdrawn, nowhere to go.
Lawyer's got me by the sack.
By Monday morning, jury's back.
The house belongs to her, nowhere to go.
And oh, that homeless feeling, nowhere to go.

12> Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
Since that gold-digger castrated me.

11> You say you want a dissolution, well, you know,
We both know this marriage blows.
But when it comes to retribution, well, you know,
I'll soon be paying through the nose.

10> Uniformed bailiffs appear at the door,
Coming to drag you away.
Look for the girl with your balls in her hand and she's gone.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.

9> There goes old Heather, she goes sneakin' and fakin'.
She got dollar eyesight, she one bad ballbreaker.
She got lawyers crawling on their knees.
Better grab your wallet, 'cause it's gonna get squeezed.
Come together, right now, in courtroom 3.

8> Hey, you've got to hide your 401(k).

7> Golden ingots fill your eyes.
Piles await you as your prize.
Sue, little darling, don't be shy.
And I will kiss my loot goodbye.

6> Oh, my lawyer will tell you something,
I hope you'll understand.
You can keep the homes and autos...
I wanna own your band!

5> Day after day, he's over the hill.
A man with big wads of cash, but as for brains, he's got nil.
And nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool.
First he let Linda sing some backup,
Now Heather's got him by the tool.

4> I'm licking a ho when my wife walks in.
I just can't stop philandering.
Now she will go-o.

3> When my penis gets me into trouble,
Lawyer Marty comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom... for a fee.

2> I once had a wife, or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her leg, it looked so real, Norwegian steel.

Number 1 Beatles Lyric About Divorce...

1> Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for the judge to come.
Cough up all your assets, stupid bloody cheater,
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your zipper down.
I am the plaintiff. You're the defendant.
He's my attorney. OOH, OOH, YOU'RE SCREWED!