Grocery Store Time Zones

Grocery store time zones

6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents

9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips

12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed

3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids

6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children

9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break

3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers

Gump Goes To Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve"

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to make people laugh and forget their troubles for a while. AMEN!

I Miss Bill Clinton ?

"I Miss Bill" (come on this is funny!)
Republican or Democrat!!!
It doesn't matter what party you are, this is funny.
Monologue taken from a show on Canadian TV. There
was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!

And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor
of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists
primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton:! The Dodge Drafter.
The Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one.....yet."

Clinton lacked only three things to become one of
America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men:
Larry,Curly and Moe.

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes!

Preferred Sport Survey ?

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.