Deathbed Confession
Man On His Deathbed As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them." His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
You Can Live To Be 80 ...if you want
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age."
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No,"
I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a s**t if you live to be
80?"
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age."
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No,"
I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a s**t if you live to be
80?"
Tiger Woods is a Witch ?
Long ago when men cursed and beat the groundwith sticks, it was called witchcraft . . .
Today, it's called golf
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?"
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
"Ten."
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;"
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;"
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;"
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;"
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;"
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';"
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;"
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;"
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;"
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference betweenscrewing a light bulb and screwing the country."
"Ten."
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;"
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;"
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;"
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;"
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;"
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';"
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;"
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;"
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;"
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference betweenscrewing a light bulb and screwing the country."
Sounds like ....
I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand upher skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand upher skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
clean bathrooms
This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.She answered, "I don't know, I never got there." So the friendsays, "You never got there... what do you mean?" She answers, "Youknow me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'cleanbathrooms', well. . . it takes longer that you think!"
Late Night Nuggets
"Here is an odd story. A dentist in Britain has been banned from practicing dentistry after she allowed her unlicensed and untrained boyfriend to perform dental work on patients. How amazing is that? They have dentists in Britain? Who knew?" --Jay Leno
"Did you see the "Skating With Celebrities" show tonight? What a great show. At the end of the show Tonya Harding shot Robert Blake." --Dave Letterman
"Did you see the "Skating With Celebrities" show tonight? What a great show. At the end of the show Tonya Harding shot Robert Blake." --Dave Letterman
Blonde Joke #1
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started soliciting in a neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started soliciting in a neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Lawyer Joke
Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
Blonde Joke
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."
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