Oh The Pub Was Laughing

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Leno, Letterman and Conan Latest Greatest

"Well, John Kerry, poor John Kerry – they had a survey, they had a poll testing the likeability of Democratic candidates and John Kerry, in this poll about likeability, finished dead last. Dead last, and you know, guys like this take this stuff seriously. I mean, he was very, very upset. He’s been walking around all day with a long face.”

"How about that Kim Jong-Il? Does he give you the creeps? If you think he's nuts, what about this brother, Menta Li-Il? I've told that joke a thousand times, I still love it. Well, anyway, the United States now – listen to this – has banned the sale of I-Pods to North Korea. And you thought President Bush didn't have a plan."

David Letterman

Hey what’s the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Joel? Billy Joel will be playing at the Super Bowl.


Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is in trouble after giving the finger to fans after Sunday’s game. The Browns quarterback tried doing the same thing but no one was in the stands.

Elton John had to go backstage for five minutes and throw up during a concert the other night. He then came back and finished the concert. You know what this means? Elton is pregnant.

Jsy Leno

President Bush’s Presidential Library is going to cost $500 million. That’s $100 million per book
Conan OBrien

the prostitute joke

Once there was this guy from Glasgow who took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he met up with a prostitute. He got down & dirty with her. Afterwards, the prostitute said: "£100 pounds." The guy said: "No, here is £200." The prostitute responded: "You're so kind." Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute asked for £100, but the guy again says: "No, here's £200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind." More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "£100, please." The guy slaps her and hands her £200. The prostitute says: " you're so kind. Where are you from?" Guy says: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am from there too." The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you £600."

Virginians Only Politically Incorrect Joke On Lidle - Webb - Allen

Cory Lidle Politically Incorrect JOKE for Virginians watching the senatorial race.

George Allen said "you can blame the tragedy in New York with Yankees Pitcher Cory Lidle on his liberal freinds, Jim Webb, Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and John Kerry.

(virginians I think might get that ...it's in every ad and was mentioned three times in the debate the other night)

Cory Lidle - Politically Incorrect Jokes

Cory Lidle won't be the spokesman for Life Comes At You Fast

Investigators ruled out suicide because it was improbable that a Yankees Pitcher could actually hit a target.

Yet another thing for Yankees to blame on A-Rod

(i did not make these up...but guilty as charged for posting them)

Bush Campaign requests from who ?

"The White House claims that President Bush is getting so many requests to campaign with other Republicans that he's running out of time. Not surprisingly, the requests are all coming from Democrats." - Conan O'Brien

A spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."

"springsteen for secretary of state" robin williams

Best Bush Joke Of The Week

Week Ending 10/06/2006

David Letterman
Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it.

Mark Foley Jokes

Leno on Mark Foley
Mark Foley’s attorney is now blaming Foley’s behavior on alcohol. But apparently he wasn’t too drunk to send an email
People are now wondering what to do with Foley’s seat in congress. How about they start with Lysol? Then some Bactene. After that cover it with plastic.

Conan On Mark Foley
The latest on the Washington sex scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley – according to CNN Foley’s instant messages were not only inappropriate, but also were full of typos. In Foley’s defense, he said it was hard to type with one hand.

As Always the best comes from Letterman
Mark Foley is now in rehab. He says that once he gets out he wants to turn over a new "page

ABC's of getting old

Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains,

perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, now what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed

Husband and the Wife

"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"
"Not by anyone I know of."
Being a husband is like any other job . . .
It helps a lot if you like the boss.
The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently
as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Funny Pillow Joke`

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines across the nation!

Baby Planes Joke

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats,
why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me
that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and
she can explain that to you."

Pirates Of The Carribean Pirates Favorite Movies

With Disney's Pirates doing boffo at the box office ..came across this list in my email.

The Favorite Movies of Pirates

Raiders of the Lost Arrrrrrk


Eyepatch Adams

Wench Kiss

The 40-Year-Old Bourbon

50 First Mates

Peggy Leg Got Married

Some Funny This & That

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

Rush Limbaugh Jokes Late Night Style

Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot

"Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it's going well. It's interesting, one minute you're Rush Limbaugh, great conservative radio talk show host, and the next day you're standing in line with other patients waiting for Darryl Strawberry's autograph." —David Letterman

"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey
Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He's 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit... He's probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn

"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today. He said it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on drugs?" —Jay Leno

"Pretty ironic, that the only Republican with a prescription drug plan is Rush Limbaugh. Actually today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out a way to blame it on the Clintons." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is a drug freak. Apparently, he was able to lose the 'big fat' part but not the 'idiot' part." —Jon Stewart

Recent Late Night Quips and funnies

**"President Bush gave his weekly, regular radio address on Saturday and the theme was pro-marriage. And then right afterwards, Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security ... announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. ... Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. ... So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. ... Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

If Only You Had Looked

If Only You Had Looked
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

Check out AOL.com today. Breaking news, video search, pictures, email and IM. All on demand. Always Free.

Larry The Cable Guy Quotable


  • That made me madder than a legless Ethiopian watchin' a doughnut roll down a hill.
  • Lord, I apologize for that one there, and please be with all the starving Pygmies down there in New Guinea! Amen!
  • I don't care who you are that's funny right there. If you dont think that's funny you can get the hell out of here.
  • What the hell is this, Russia?
  • That's Right.
  • Do you believe that?
  • My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her "Moley." Then she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her "Holy Moley."
  • I believe the crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools.
  • How'd you get tickets to the Tampon 400?
Well, I pulled some strings...
  • Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something! Why do you hate us?
  • Remember when she had Tom Selleck on her program a while back? She blind-sided Tom Selleck! He's a good fella, ain't never hurt nobody, but he's in the NRA, so she hates that. She was like, 'Well, you're in the NRA. Let me tell you something, Tom: guns kill people!' Do you believe she said that? On the Rosie O'Fat*ss show! She looks right at him and says, 'Guns kill people!' Let me tell you something: husbands that come home early kill people! Alright? The gun was just sitting there! If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil! Git-r-done!
  • I once knew a gal named Vivian Welkner and she was a good friend and I thought she needed to know, well, I love her.
  • I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park! (from the film Cars)
  • You don't always have to know where you are going, if you know where you've been. (from the film Cars)
  • I believe that Britney Spears should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors. Two scoops! (from "Rides Again")

Paul McCartney Divoce Funny Beatles Lyrics

Paul McCartney and his wife of four years have separated.

The Beatles

The Top 30 Beatles Lyrics About Divorce

30> My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will come down upon your head.
My attorneys, Maxwell, Silver & Hammer,
will make you wish that your were dead.

29> And I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love.
Can't buy me lo--
Wait! What the hell am I saying?!?

28> You'd better give me your money,
Or I'll serve you some legal papers.
And when we're finished with negotiations,
You'll be broke, clown.

27> All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup.
All you need: pre-nup, yup.
A pre-nup's all you need.

26> Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're after half my cash.
And maybe I'm afraid you'll probably get it.

25> Why don't we do it in the road?
Can you say, "Irreconcilable differences"?

24> Hey, dude, don't be a mouse --
Raise an objection about her blouse.
The minute the judge gets sight of those tits,
He'll lose his wits -- and me, my house.

23> Happiness is a warm gun -- and much more satisfying than a
court-ordered division of property.

22> Dear Sir or Madam, will you take my case
I used to love him now I can't stand his face.
Bathes on occasion, maybe once a year,
Man, I hate the slob, so I'm looking for a good divorce lawyer.

21> Yesterday, alimony seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though I'll pay and pay.
Where's my pre-nup from yesterday?

20> I have to admit it's getting bitter.
It's getting bitterer all the time.

19> I saw a lawyer today, oh boy.
Ten thousand pounds for only half an hour.
The news he offered made me sad:
"Paul, she even gets your grass."
Now I understand how John could make that Yoko Ono thing last.

18> You said, "Goodbye."
Now I say, "HELL NO!"

17> Jojo was a man who said he was a woman,
When he boinked another man.
The former Mrs. Jojo said he's got it coming
From Arskovitz & Moran.
Get back! Get back!
Get back at least 100 yards!

16> Will you depose me,
Will you just hose me,
When I'm 64?

15> Ooh, then you suddenly ditch me.
Ooh, now I've got to enrich you,
Every single day of my life.
Got to get you out of my life!

14> .deb ni ysuol saw lauP
.deb ni ysuol saw lauP

13> Busted marriage, money spent.
Got no future, just torment.
All the cash withdrawn, nowhere to go.
Lawyer's got me by the sack.
By Monday morning, jury's back.
The house belongs to her, nowhere to go.
And oh, that homeless feeling, nowhere to go.

12> Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
Since that gold-digger castrated me.

11> You say you want a dissolution, well, you know,
We both know this marriage blows.
But when it comes to retribution, well, you know,
I'll soon be paying through the nose.

10> Uniformed bailiffs appear at the door,
Coming to drag you away.
Look for the girl with your balls in her hand and she's gone.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.
Lucy got your jewels and diamonds.

9> There goes old Heather, she goes sneakin' and fakin'.
She got dollar eyesight, she one bad ballbreaker.
She got lawyers crawling on their knees.
Better grab your wallet, 'cause it's gonna get squeezed.
Come together, right now, in courtroom 3.

8> Hey, you've got to hide your 401(k).

7> Golden ingots fill your eyes.
Piles await you as your prize.
Sue, little darling, don't be shy.
And I will kiss my loot goodbye.

6> Oh, my lawyer will tell you something,
I hope you'll understand.
You can keep the homes and autos...
I wanna own your band!

5> Day after day, he's over the hill.
A man with big wads of cash, but as for brains, he's got nil.
And nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool.
First he let Linda sing some backup,
Now Heather's got him by the tool.

4> I'm licking a ho when my wife walks in.
I just can't stop philandering.
Now she will go-o.

3> When my penis gets me into trouble,
Lawyer Marty comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom... for a fee.

2> I once had a wife, or should I say, she once had me.
She showed me her leg, it looked so real, Norwegian steel.

Number 1 Beatles Lyric About Divorce...

1> Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for the judge to come.
Cough up all your assets, stupid bloody cheater,
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your zipper down.
I am the plaintiff. You're the defendant.
He's my attorney. OOH, OOH, YOU'RE SCREWED!

Funny Late Night Quotes

"They found a sunken Roman city  city off the coast of Egypt  
that is 2,000 years old. They believe is happened during the  
reign of Emperor Ray Nagin." --Jay Leno  


"The president of Mexico , Vincente Fox has arrived in the U.S. I thought  
this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's  
job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman  


"The Senate voted to make English the national language of  
the United States. The vote drew protests from several im-  
migrant groups and one governor of California."  
--Conan O'Brien 

More Cowbell SNL video

Saturday Night LIve

A friend of mine had not heard of this famous SNL skit about Blue Oyster Cult and More Cowbell. here is a link that someone has posted the video on their site.


Saturday Night LIve

Jokes To Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do Redneck drivers' education classes meet only on Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses the car.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond  baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F  word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale
Begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Iran a nuclear threat ? its a joke

Some Late Night Quips

"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman

"According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

john mccain told this joke

Senator John McCain really did tell this joke once ..thought of course at the time to be very tasteless:

"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
Because her father is Janet Reno."

George Bush Poem

This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

mothers day specials jokes for ladies

Click Here for Good Funny Fun
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him
to the emergency room.

Little Pedro

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She
heard a loud whisper.

"Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up.

"Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
Say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher
asked "Who said that?"

Pedro, "Dick Cheney 2006."

Adelphia Cable On Hold and others

Message from Adelphia Cable
Thank you for holding. This call may be monitored for quality purposes. Of course, if we really cared about quality we'd hire more people to answer the phone.

In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans. Jay Leno

To err is human, but screwing up things royally requires a computer.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. --Mark Twain

When a man is trying to sell you something, don't imagine that he is that polite all the time. --Edgar Watson Howe

Better by far that you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.

Flattery is all right--if you do not inhale.

Someday, hon, we'll look back on this mortgage and laugh. Thirty years from now, to be exact.

Doctor to patient: You should consider leaving the IRS. I don't get a heartbeat anymore.

I just threatened to run away, you don't have to pack my bags, mom!

Grocery Store Time Zones

Grocery store time zones

6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents

9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips

12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed

3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids

6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children

9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break

3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers

Gump Goes To Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve"

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to make people laugh and forget their troubles for a while. AMEN!

I Miss Bill Clinton ?

"I Miss Bill" (come on this is funny!)
Republican or Democrat!!!
It doesn't matter what party you are, this is funny.
Monologue taken from a show on Canadian TV. There
was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't!

And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor
of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists
primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton:! The Dodge Drafter.
The Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one.....yet."

Clinton lacked only three things to become one of
America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men:
Larry,Curly and Moe.

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes!

Preferred Sport Survey ?

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

Hollywood Squares


If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous
clever; not scripted and they were never dull, as they are now.
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and

that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get
any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
and has

actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do
in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Funny Virginia State Trooper

A young woman was pulled over in Richmond, Virginia for speeding. As the VA State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she looked at him and said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Virginia State Police Ball." He replied without missing a beat, "Ma'am Virginia State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car and drive away.

Best Funny Dick Cheney Jokes So Far

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney." --David Letterman, on Cheney's shooting accident.

"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman

"We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney." --David

"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry
Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent." --Jay Leno

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno

"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno

"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right." --Craig Ferguson

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down,
because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson

"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for
18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep." --Craig Ferguson

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past." --Craig Ferguson

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Vice President says that it was an accident. He claims the guy got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat what you shoot!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered
Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip." --Jimmy Kimmel

another blonde joke

I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Some facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Cheney Has A Blast

some of the best dick cheney jokes so far .....

As a public service , I feel I must inform you that hunting with a sitting vice president is hazardous to your health. Take every precaution when hunting with a sitting vice president. .....

Well... Bin Laden is still at large but Cheney has shot a 78 year old man. I don't know why Cheney did it...but the man who shot a man in Texas in the Johnny Cash song "Folsom Prison Blues" did it "just to watch him die." Al Franken

"My doctor took one look at my leg ..told me to enjoy breakfast here and go home...apparently the emergency room was full of people Dick Cheney shot" John Rogers said..."I know it was an accident ... the people he wants dead he strangles with his bare hands"

ALL kidding aside..it's great that they guy he shot is going to be ok, but if you don't think that there are going to be a ton of jokes about this... understand that Harry Whitington IS a lawyer. .. maybe Cheney took one of those lawyer jokes a bit too seriously.

Chris Rock's Quote of the Year:> > "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U. S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are > named ~Bush~, ~Dick~, and ~ Colon

Super Bowl Ads

Super Bowl Ads We'd Like to See

5> Campbell's Chunky Soup: For a solid minute, Donovan McNabb's
mom slaps the holy crap out of Terrell Owens.

4> Capital One: "If a million people sign up for the new Capital
One Visa by halftime, we'll have our barbarians eviscerate
David Spade and that whiny, chubby twerp live on the
50-yard line during the last two-minute warning."

3> Moveon.org: A tearful George W. Bush, in full cowboy attire,
hugs a barrel of oil and says, "God, I wish I knew how to
quit you."

2> Pepto-Bismol: "Hi, this is John Madden. Let's talk about
erectile dysfunction."

1> Depend undergarments: "I'm John Elway. It's tough getting the
piss knocked out of you on national TV -- but nobody has to
know." (Close up of Elway's stain-free crotch as he gets up
from being sacked. He looks down, then smiles and winks.)

The Drip

Things are always going wrong with a house. Yesterday, my wife called the plumber and when he came in he said, "Where's the drip?" She said, "Upstairs trying to fix the leak!"

Deathbed Confession

Man On His Deathbed As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them." His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

You Can Live To Be 80 ...if you want

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age."

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No,"
I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a s**t if you live to be

Tiger Woods is a Witch ?

Long ago when men cursed and beat the groundwith sticks, it was called witchcraft . . .
Today, it's called golf

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?"

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;"
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;"
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;"
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;"
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;"
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';"
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;"
8. One to viciously smear No. 7;"
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;"
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference betweenscrewing a light bulb and screwing the country."

Sounds like ....

I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand upher skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

clean bathrooms

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.She answered, "I don't know, I never got there." So the friendsays, "You never got there... what do you mean?" She answers, "Youknow me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'cleanbathrooms', well. . . it takes longer that you think!"

Late Night Nuggets

"Here is an odd story. A dentist in Britain has been banned from practicing dentistry after she allowed her unlicensed and untrained boyfriend to perform dental work on patients. How amazing is that? They have dentists in Britain? Who knew?" --Jay Leno

"Did you see the "Skating With Celebrities" show tonight? What a great show. At the end of the show Tonya Harding shot Robert Blake." --Dave Letterman

Blonde Joke #1

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started soliciting in a neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Lawyer Joke

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Blonde Joke

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."

Redneck Fishing

Floods don't stop rednecks from fishing do they. What a funny and humorous picture.