"Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history." --Jay Leno
"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he'd rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." --Jay Leno
"Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032." --Jay Leno
"There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. Seven candidates on stage debating. Seven, which, sadly, for Joe Biden, is the biggest crowd he's ever drawn." --Jay Leno
A team of astronauts, engineers and scientists have asked the United Nations to make plans to deflect a giant asteroid that could hit Earth on April 13, 2036. There's a one in 45,000 chance it could hit. So it's about the same chance Joe Biden has of being president." --Jay Leno
"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?'" --Jay Leno
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