Tina Fey Colonel Angus Sketch

One of the funniest things ever on Saturday Night ...if not THE funniest, was the christmas sweater portrayal of Pete Schwetty making an appearance on NPR to talk about his Schweaty Balls.  The double entendre rolled with perfect comedic timing.

The female answer to that sexual innuendo was the sketch that Tina Fey is credited with writing entitled Colonel Angus Returns.   If you have ever seen it, you know its hilarious and one can watch it again and again and still laugh uncontrollably. . Here is the transcript and link to the video to the vaunted Colonol Angus sketch of Tina Fey's SNL glory.
 

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters Colonel Angus Written by: Tina Fey Melinda.....Amy Poehler Daddy.....Chris Parnell Miss Anabelle.....Rachel Dratch Farm Boy.....Jeff Richards Bedelia.....Maya Rudolph Colonel Angus.....Christopher Walken [ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: "Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!" ] Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When's he gonna get here, Mama? Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient. Melinda: Is he very handsome? Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He's been away at war so long, I don't rightly remember. Melinda: Mama! Look! There's a carriage on the horizon! Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child? Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton! Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus! Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus? Miss Anabelle: ..I don't know, uh.. We haven't seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years.. [ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ] Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus? Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can't wait to meet him! Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle fornothing less. Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus! Daddy: Hmm.. I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus! Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why.. can't put my finger on it.. Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia! [ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ] Bedelia: Yes, Sir? Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We're gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight! Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don't know nothin' about no Colonel Angus! Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy! [ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ] Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus! Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger! Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience. Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We're always happy to see your shiny face! Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts? Colonel Angus: I'm headed.. down South! Daddy: Hmm. Of course! Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus? Colonel Angus: T'ain't really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity.. Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not! Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud? Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda. Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I've heard so much about you. Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don't believe everything you hear.. about ol' Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet. Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you'll spend the night with us. Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head. Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. Ialways begged my Daddy: "Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!" But he never will. Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that's because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end inembarrassment! [ they all share a hearty laugh ] Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors. Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver.. Daddy: Yes? Colonel Angus: It's true, I'm afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw. Daddy: Is it true you've been stripped of your rank? Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There'll be no more "Colonel Angus", ladies. Call me by my givenname. Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal.. Melinda: I so love the sound of "Colonel Angus".. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try. Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin' at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket. Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh.. Colonel Angus: If you'll excuse me.. I'd like to freshen up. [ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ] Miss Anabelle: Of course! We'll call you when it's time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread. Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful! Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm.... Miss Anabelle: You won't.. after forty-five minutes. Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

Another Funny Husband Wife Joke

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams; if you are laughing, send me your smile; if you are eating, send me a bite; if you are drinking, send me a sip; if you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband's reply:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

Dont Tell The Mugger

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Best Its So Hot Jokes

Its SO HOT outside that . . .
Squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts
It was so hot today Lance Armstrong tested positive for Snapple.
Somewhere in the US a corn stalk turns into to popcorn
About a hundred more good ones on how hot is it at
http://www.yooohaaa.com/humor/itssohotjokes.htm

Teacher Humor - The Lifesaver Experiment

Teacher Humor ..Lifesavers ... The candy with the hole.

A teacher was conducting an experiment on identification with lifesavers as to whether or not students could identify flavors.  When the teacher used a honey lifesaver as the flavor, nobody could identify the flavor.  So to give them a hint, the teacher said "it's something your parents might call each other."  "Oh my goodness," exclaimed one of the students, "they're assholes."

Women Ass Size Study

Missle Toe and a Duck Joke

The age old question, lf an athlete gets athletes foot does an astronaut get missle toe ?

A duck bought some chapstick and the clerk says " will that be cash ?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my Bill"

 

Funniest comercial ever perhaps

Ok  this may be the funniest commercial I can remember seeing but ..fair warning ...it usually runs late at night and is a bit pg13.  The Axe Detailer cleans your balls ...your sports balls...what were you thinking.

Axe Detailer Cleans Your Balls - The funniest home videos are here

college dorm joke

The RA began, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" 

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

Lawyer Jokes are truth in humor

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

You've Got Alot To See From Family Guy

Youve Got A Lot To See
Lyrics
From The Family Guy

The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /

Senior Citizen Jokes List

Complete list of Senior Citizen, older folks jokes ...apply to John McCain at your own risk.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "YES!!" stated the waitress. "I'll take the special then." my wife said. "How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked. "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.


An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times!


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"


Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"


"Twelve thirty"Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

Blonde Jokes are Good n FUnny

Three blonds were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blond said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blond said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
==========================
Buffy noticed a student walking
up and down the street, wearing a sandwich
board that read "Free Big Mac!"

Strolling over with a look of concern,
the blonde asked, "Why? What'd he do?"

=========================

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
==============
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.

She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

High Life Common Sense Party

Miller Beer Ad that tells it like it is ..it is TIME for a new political party. The MIDDLE party ...the COMMON SENSE PARTY ..>SIMPLE

Twas The Night Before Christmas - Redneck Christmas Edition

Twas The Night Before Christmas
A Red Neck Christmas
One of the TEN Nights Before Christmas at YoooHaaa.com

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.


That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

Funny --You Use THAT for SeX ???

You Use THAT for Sex ???

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

A kids view and explanation of Politics

YOU BETCHA !

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Another Cat Joke

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."

Golfers and Sky Diver Joke

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"!

A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

A Funny Parrot Joke

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"